Friday, February 17, 2006

doesnt every girl want to be pretty???

we had a great evening. really, we did. we didnt do anything spectacular... just had a nice night at home. very relaxing.

and then its like a switch went off in me. i'm completely manicly-depressed!!! i have these thoughts flying round and round and round in my head, but all self-distructing. i cant sleep. i'm so uptight. so, i'm just gonna type and type, getting this all out. hopefully then i can sit back, wipe my brow, and say "shooo." I'll probably end up deleting this in the morning.

am i pretty? maybe not pretty-- but i'm not ugly, am i? sometimes i'm just not sure. i dont think i am... but who am i to really know? and... am i fat? i know i'm not skinny... but am i grotesque?

i've always been so worried about the way i look. when i was a teenager, i was anorexic for a few years. my family thought i looked so gaunt. whenever i was emotional (which is like all the time) i stopped eating. it got so bad... i had no energy, i always felt like i was gonna pass out. so, i finally said: "enough is enough! i cant take it!!!" so, i gave it up.

now, i'm like the opposite. Whenever i get emotional, i eat. its just as self-destructive. It especially happens if i'm mad at Hubby. He loves junk food-- he always has something around the house. so if i'm upset, i eat his food to make him mad. ... yeah, its stupid i know.

i want to be pretty. i want people to think that i'm not ugly and yucky. ... compared to how big i was when pregnant, i look kinda okay now, right??? or do i look awful???

i'm totally addicted to makeup. completely. and i try to dress really trendy. i want people to think i look good. but maybe they just look at me and think: "who does that fat girl think she's kidding?"

one of the most traumatizing times in my life still sticks with me today. it always will. it was my prom. Girls look forward to their prom. they spend so much time AND money getting the perfect dress, picking out jewelry, getting their hair done up, finding the right makeup. i was so excited. i was going with my boyfriend... we had been dating for over two years. we were really serious. Anyway, the entire night he NEVER said that i looked pretty. COME ON!!! how awful is that? (i dumped him right after i graduated.) and so now, i always feel the need to be told by my significant other that i look pretty. especially if its a special occassion.

andrew sluffs it off by saying: "it seems so shallow and vain for me to tell you that all the time." WHAT!?!?! every girl wants to be pretty! she always wants to hear it. you can never say it enough...

girls-- do you agree with me?
guys-- is that asking too much?

and what in the world should i be doing with my emotions? i've always handled them with food. What should i do instead to take out my frustrations?

i seriously need to get a handle on myself. i dont want to be a mess when erica gets older. i dont want to ruin her life by being such a bad example.


mistyblue3 said...

oh becky! I feel your pain! YES, we all want to be pretty. and YES our hubs HAVE to say it. All the time is nice :) I've been feeling that way too, just gross. I was just crying about it again today. I have a skin thing- its similiar to excema, but worse. It can flair up anytime at all, for NO reason, and you can't make it go away. Mine has flared up BAD! My whole body is covered w/ little red polka-dots. YUCK. Makes me want to hide in the house and never leave. It's awful. I don't know how noticible the spots are to others, but to me, its all I see. We need to embrace ourselves as we are. Do our best to improve what can be changed, and learn to love what can't. You are beautiful. See yourself not as the world does, but how God created you. I'm trying to do that too, but its hard.

'liya said...

I know how you feel too. I think we all have those moments where we girls feel really insecure and need someone there to tell us that we look pretty. Even if it's a small compliment like if he notices a different eyeshadow on you and says something it shows that at least he saw right? Sometimes guys are kind of blind. But I crave compliments too - has to be from the right person .. not just anyone will do. Looking pretty is just something we all want because we live in a society where unfortunately we're judged on how we look. Which is why we love to hear that we look good. Which is also why I'm not going back to school until my face heals.

One thing though, you're not alone. And although I don't know you personally, through reading about your life I can tell you're a fabulous example for Erica. I hope you feel better soon :)

Avery's mom said...

first off I dropped by via mistyblue and from your profile picture and the ones in this are a pretty girl, so settle those emotions.

though its nice to be told these things, a girl isnt always going to hear it at the moments that we need it so badly. it's important for us to view ourselves as beautiful and to know it.....just fake yourself out....i know it sounds goofy but if we dont see ourselves as pretty, its difficult for others to see our beauty as well. its all about confidence.
I also have a nasty relationship with food and I worry so much about how I'm going to set an example for my 5 month daughter. the only thing i can think of helping is to create a healthy enviornment in my own mind building up my self esteem, I mean, if my husband isnt going to meet my needs as a woman as far as complimenting me and such, I have to be able to pick of the slack and tell myself that I am a gorgeous woman and that people turn heads when they see me walk by.
try saying these things to yourself weather you believe just now or soon will and that smile will take you so much further.
good luck and dont worry about what people see, its obsesive and drags you down. just know today that a stranger thinks you are lovely and would love to hang out and grab a coffee and talk all afternoon with you. :)
I tend to babble a bit

Lindsey said...

You know what...we all go through this from time to time so you're not alone.

And for the looks department...yes you are pretty. And you have a pretty daughter. You should feel great b/c some guy thought you were great enough to marry...while the rest of us single girls are wondering what's wrong with us.

And for your body...honey. You had a baby. And truth be told...from the first picture, you're so thin that no one would have ever been able to tell that you were pregnant to begin with.

Michaela said...

I compleatly understand but it is not all You in the Socity that we live in our worth as Women is based almost compleatly on our looks. as for what to do when emotional I can only give suggestions. go for a Walk, take a bubble bath, sit down and read a good book or watch a sappy movie to get that good cry out. I personaly have a LOVE/HATE relationship with food. I love it, it hates me. I struggle almost constantly with what I eat and such. and I am by no Means a Skinny person. although I had lost a pant size RIGHT before getting pregnant and now at 10 weeks in I feel SOOO fat and get yelled at for thinking that. You are already a great parent you have no reason to think other wise. BTW I am very distracted at the moment my husband is bringing me ALL The Eeyores I own and setting them around me..

Crazy Me said...

Awww ... I hate days like that. I ususally have them when my life feels out of control and seriously stressfull. A good cry usually helps.

For the record, in my book, you are pretty. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Clairissa said...

My advice... don't look for approval from anyone else, but God. Stay close to Him, and you'll find that you won't always be second guessing yourself and what people think of you. Who cares what people think anyway?

And secondly, join the gym with me. Working out does WONDERS for your emotional stability, and it helps your bod to be so much more SSSSexyyyy!!!! (Even though we both know we're already as sexy as can be...wink wink...)

Love ya Becky!!! :)

Abigail S. said...

You look awesome girl! I'm actually kinda sad, cuz you lost weight and are skinnier than me! Not fair! Guess I just need to lose some!

Gimme a call if need be. I love you chick!

Becky L said...

everyone: thank you for your encouuragement!!! it really does make me feel better.

~Misty: i hope that rash clears up soon. i wonder why it happens?...
~liya: the swelling from the wisdom teeth coming out should settle down soon. Be glad you didnt puke blood like i had when mine came out. (yuck!)
~Avery's mom: thanks for stopping by! i'll check out your blog sometime soon... And you are right, i should start telling myself that i'm gorgeous.
~Linny: thanks for your encouraging words! my first instinct is to deny what you said about me not looking like i'd had a baby... but i'll let it go, because everyone's trying to encourage me and i want to be encouraged!
~michaela: i LOVE eeyore. i have a coffee mug with him on it and is labeled: popular pessimist. hehe. Though, when i was at disney world, there was someone dressed up as eeyore, and i was getting my picture taken with him, and he got a little too "feely."
~crazy me: yeah, a good cry would be nice. so would some alone time. which i dont foresee coming. ah well.
~Clairissa: money is such a bad subject right now, i dont think joining a gym is gonna happen. BUT, i am trying to get my own thing started at home. ... with erica waking up at like 7 every morning, i'm not really getting to, but hopefully she'll get back to her normal time.
~abby: see you tomorrow!